The S&M Cephalopod

"The squid mate for up to three hours and the male must physically restrain the female during this time," Amanda Franklin of the University of Melbourne told the BBC. I've always known that sex in
the animal kingdom tends to be on the rough side (hence similes such as the famous one found in Nine Inch Nails's classic love song "Closer"). However, when I picture rough animal sex (well, not like picture it, but, eh, you know what I mean), smallish dumpling-shaped squids are
not what comes to mind.

The Euprymna tasmanica, or Southern Dumpling Squid, is the creature described by Ms. Franklin. Recent research probably found out all sorts of fascinating things about it, but obviously, the bit bout sex is all that got reported, and thus is the part that I will be amusingly regurgitating for your consumption (that sounded gross, and rather bird-like). In their defense, if I had to skim a large article about squid and then to bang out 1000 words, I'd probably skip to the naughty bits too.

Aside from the bondage bit, most stories are also reporting that the squid swim at about half their regular speed for a half hour after mating. And they say it as if it's surprising that they're tired. I don't know if you've ever had rough sex for three hours, but it's not something where you're able to start swimming at top speed immediately afterward (you have a snack and go to bed). Not to delve into his personal life or anything (as people tend to do that), but I'd be willing to bet that Michael Phelps  didn't have sex for three hours, hop out of bed (untie her), and go win some medals. To be honest, it's fairly impressive that the squid can recover in that short of time.

The really remarkable thing is actually that they mate for three hours. You're probably smugly grinning and questioning my sexual prowess. And for humans, you're right. Three hours isn't all that
impressive (especially if you use lots of complex knots, or temporarily misplace the key to the handcuffs). But these squids only live for about a year. For a human who lives 70 years, that three hours of the squid's life is the equivalent of eight days and eighteen hours. Yeah, I'm good, but I'm not that good.

Isn't marine biology sexy?